The Daily Iowan

Elliot: Slapstick strikes deep

President+Donald+Trump+speaks+at+an+event+titled++%22Generation+Next%3A+A+White+House+Forum%22+in+the+South+Court+Auditorium+on+Thursday%2C+March+22%2C+2018+in+Washington%2C+D.C.+%28Olivier+Douliery%2FAbaca+Press%2FTNS%29
President Donald Trump speaks at an event titled

President Donald Trump speaks at an event titled "Generation Next: A White House Forum" in the South Court Auditorium on Thursday, March 22, 2018 in Washington, D.C. (Olivier Douliery/Abaca Press/TNS)

President Donald Trump speaks at an event titled "Generation Next: A White House Forum" in the South Court Auditorium on Thursday, March 22, 2018 in Washington, D.C. (Olivier Douliery/Abaca Press/TNS)

Beau Elliot, [email protected]

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So there was this 1-year-old boy. In court.

Why was the boy in court? you ask. I don’t know. Ask Our Great Leader; he’s the one who thinks he knows all the answers. You gotta admit, he and his administration did such a great bang-up job during the Puerto Rican disaster.

(Well, just possibly more banged-up than great.)

So the 1-year-old, from Guatemala, is in court, standing before an immigration judge. And the judge asks the boy if he understands the proceedings. (AP via FiveThirtyEight.)

Somewhere in a universe within shouting distance of ours, if your shouting device happens to be conveniently located near a worm hole, Ionesco slaps his forehead. Why didn’t I think of that, he asks himself, more or less rhetorically. I thought of everything else.

Ionesco is an old pal, so I don’t really mind all that much when he slaps his forehead like he was in some Laurel & Hardy movie. We all need a little more slapstick in our lives, and this White House is excellent at providing it.

And so the Blunder on the Border continues. Turns out there are 3,000 children separated from their parents, not the originally reported 2,300. And the administration is going to miss the court-ordered reunification of children under 5 and parents scheduled for July 10.

Slapstick. We need it, whether we admit it or not.

But Our Great Leader will regain his footing by naming a far right-wing justice to the Supreme Court, unless he has a midnight reconversion back to his liberal Democrat former self. Yes, the Trumpster used to be a liberal. Of sorts. See? You can’t trust liberals.

So coming soon to a country near you (no, not Canada), we can expect to see the high court uphold a federal ban on all-bran cereal on the grounds that it undermines sales of America’s All-American cereal, Wheat Thingies.

All-bran cereal (or perhaps all-bran surreal, just given the times) tastes like, well, bran. And it gloomily promises you good health and clean living. Nothing very American about that. In fact, it sounds Scandinavian. In other words, socialist. Which is the Scandinavian word for communist.

Wheat Thingies, on the other hand, are All-American because they promise you fun, fun, fun and they taste like spun cake frosting. Yes, fun. Not to mention continued employment for our All-American dentists.

The cereal decision followed the much-anticipated abortion decision, in which the high court gutted Roe, then mandated the death penalty for any woman caught trying to procure an abortion. The decision was 5-4, probably small solace for the women on death row.

One unintended side effect of the decision turned out to be that the fetus died when the pregnant woman was executed. Oops, as they say in highly technical legal jargon.

“Well,” one right-wing justice was overheard saying, “we thought that with the drawn-out appeals process for the death penalty that the baby would have plenty of time to be born. We didn’t count on the terrible swift sword of the Lord.”

Yeah, that’s probably how it will work out. Give or take a detail or three. Oh, well. We’ll always have slapstick.

What happened to the 1-year-old?

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