Military Police keep watch near the Mexico border as President Donald Trump takes a tour of the border wall prototypes near the Otay Mesa Port of Entry in San Diego County, Calif., on March 13, 2018. (K.C. Alfred/San Diego Union-Tribune/TNS)

Elliot: The existence of Winnie the Pooh


In the throes of this country’s immigration debate and mud-pie contest, Americans overlook the threat of illegal immigrants from a heretofore unmentioned sources.

Beau Elliot

Having a good time with our second winter yet?

Yeah, I know. It was so thrilling the first time around, how could you not enjoy it the second time?

Of course, that’s thrilling in the sense that getting waterboarded is thrilling. But waterboarding must be that. Thrilling, that is. I mean, one guy went back 82 or 85 or 89 times for more waterboarding, so he must have been having a great time. Right?

But there are always skeptics. And where would we be without skeptics, standing around on street corners, smoking cigarettes, pooh-pooh the whole idea of Winnie the Pooh?

As a skeptical friend of mine wrote recently, this weather is like getting December in April. And I, not being a skeptic, thought yeah. If only April were as warm as December.

I mean, without skeptics, we’d all be in love with the resident-of-moment in the West Wing. And where would that leave us?

Standing in line waiting to get waterboarded, probably.

Or deported. Yes, recently the Trumpster decided to return to immigration, given that all the other battlefronts of his life were going so swimmingly. So he killed a DACA deal (again) and decided to send troops to the southern border.

Well, National Guard troops, to be clear. As our own Sen. Joni Ernst, R-Iowa, once a member of the Iowa Guard, said, sending the National Guard to the Mexican border will ensure Americans’ safety. Well, sure. What American doesn’t feel safer knowing good old U.S. troops are standing sentry 1,000 miles away?

But why take half-measures? Why sit around in the White House watching Fox News to see what your next move will be? The American people want action, not reaction. They want full measures, full measures measured in good ol’ American quartz and gals’ uns, not some fuddy-duddy European milliliters. Can you even see a milliliter?

The American people want U.S. National Guard standing guard in the Asteroid Belt to prevent illegal-immigrant invasions from Mars. Well, the two or three Americans (sometimes it’s hard to count) I interviewed on the Ped Mall after bar-close. But if that’s not representative of the American psyche, what is?

Skeptics (there they go again) would point out that the Asteroid Belt is between Mars and Jupiter and thus troops would be on the wrong side of Mars to prevent illegal-immigrant invasions of Earth from the Red Planet. They could prevent invasions by rocks from the Asteroid Belt, but that’s about it.

Rocks, Martians? What’s the difference? They’re illegal. Once you start the policy of appeasement, whether it’s failure to post troops in the Asteroid Belt or taking guns away from freedom-loving Americans, we’re on the slippery slope to perfidy and the collapse of the Republic. Nancy Perlosi is the prime criminal. She not only doesn’t want troops posted to the Asteroid Belt, she probably hugs rocks from the Asteroid Belt. There’s probably a video on YouTube already, given the way things work these days.

If, indeed, these days are these days and not some other days. Thinking about that will leave you dazed and confused, just like in the movie, and you’ll wind up a skeptic, standing with your ilk showing on street corners, smoking cigarettes and pooh-poohing the existence of Winnie the Pooh.

Special Sections

Print Edition

Front Page PDF

Text Links