By Beau Elliot
While you were gone, nothing much happened. Oh, some more Arctic ice melted. Oh, well, who cares about polar bears? Until they come here, seeking cooler weather. Um.
And another slab of Antarctica fell into the sea, killing some penguins and crushing the feelings of the cuteness lobby.
And, of course, the Fabricator-in-Chief, in pulling out of the Paris Accord on global climate change, famously said: I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris.
Which is curious, because Pittsburgh voted 80 percent for Hillary Clinton, according to NPR, so apparently, Pittsburgh voters didn’t want the Trumpster to represent them.
And Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto said his city (along with thousands of local and state governments, including Iowa City and Johnson County) will continue to follow the Paris Accord, even though the Trumpster has abandoned the agreement much like slabs of Antarctica have abandoned Antarctica.
Meanwhile, in fashion news, not that I know anything about it, the Trumpster’s hair still looks kind of silly no matter what he says, but now, it looks even more ludicrous since he tried a Comey-over.
And then, of course, this:
The Trumpster, decrying gravity as a “Chinese hoax,” recently pulled the U.S. out of the Newton/Einstein Accord, which recognizes gravity as a natural force.
Many amused, if not bemused, European and Chinese observers wondered if this meant that America, with no gravity, would float off into thin air. As one German official noted, that area seems to be where many of the Trumpster’s notions come from.
Other officials noted that the Newton/Einstein Accord on gravity was entirely voluntary, so the U.S. had no need to pull out. The country was always free to ignore gravity as best it could.
Besides, one French official said, if I drop this escargot, where does the Trumpster thinks it goes? To Mars?
She then laughed and snorted simultaneously, the way accomplished French women can.
The Trumpster also announced the U.S. would withdraw from the Pythagorean Theory. Which is curious, because the theorem describes right angles, so …
Oh, well. Architects will just have to deal with the lack of right angles. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve seen, they already have.
And recently, I noted that global climate change would kill the Great Barrier Reef, according to scientists, and then suggested, sardonically, that the Trumpster had no idea where Australia was.
The Fabricator-in-Chief replied by saying he knew exactly where Australia was located; it was next door to South America. Later, he amended this by tweet saying he meant Australia was next door to Antarctica.
South America, Antarctica — anybody could make that mistake.
Unfortunately for the Trumpster, Australia is not next door to Antarctica. It’s 4,500 miles away (more than 7,000 kilometers, as the rest of the world measures distances).
I suppose, for a rich, spoiled brat (to put it politely), 4,500 miles is next door. The rest of us should be so lucky. Or unlucky.
Oh, well. I still wonder what pulling out of the Gravity According results in. Does it mean we finally get flying cars? I can’t wait to see what Chicagoland drivers will do with those, given what they do with gravity-bound vehicles around town. And I do mean “around.”
