The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

Mar-a-Lago America in the near vista

Mar-a-Lago+America+in+the+near+vista

Beau Elliot

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I look over the breathtaking vista, and the vista goes ahead and takes a breath test from me.

WHAT? you say. Me, too.

(Though I tend to stay away from ALL-CAPS; too much bad cholesterol. Worse than ISIS, it is. Or maybe that’s is is.)

But, I say, you’re not a police officer. You can’t give me a breath test. Especially for just looking.

Ah, the Vista says, sounding more and more like a capital “V.” You don’t know the new, Mar-a-Lago America. You can’t possibly enjoy a beautiful vista if you’re drunk or stoned or liberal, which are all pretty much the same thing.

They are? I say, becoming more confused than usual.

They are, the Vista says. I see by your breath test you are a liberal. You should still be asleep.

Oddly, I say, that’s what I tell myself when I wake up in the morning, then turn over and re-awake at the crack of noon. But it’s afternoon; what do you mean, I should still be asleep?

Oh, we put all the liberals asleep before the election. You guys should really stop thinking cafés are hip; they’ve been around Europe for 600 years. We created a green-coffee drink called Maldives Green, a yuuuuge hit; it was a tincture of Trump speeches infused with rosemary. Put you guys into deep-space sleep. Touch of genius by our chemists.

You had scientists on your side? How did that happen, hypothetically speaking. I thought they were all disgusted with Trump because of his ignorance. Not to mention his refusal to acknowledge climate change even as his South Florida properties were being inundated with rising sea levels.

Oh, we had some B.S. students who couldn’t stomach their liberal campuses, the Vista says. They understood tinctures, though. And then we had them build dikes around Trump’s Florida resorts. Rising sea water, rishing wee schmater.

I see, I say, becoming more confused than usual. But doesn’t a lot of the flooding in South Florida come up from underground because of all the porous limestone?

Oh, sure, the Vista says. But Vice President Pence, after privatizing Social Security, took the $2 trillion in savings and underlaid all of Trump’s Florida holdings with granite. Try to get through that, seawater. Ha-ha-ha. [Gesturing with his hands to indicate “air exclamation points.” They vaguely look like the dance of impolite fingers.]

Oh, I say, growing pensive. Vice President Pence did all that?

Well, of course. After nuking Iran, Iraq, and Syria, President Trump went back to Mar-a-Lago and told Vice President Pence to take care of things and call him if anything big happened.

Anything big?

Well, you know, the Vista says, nuking Russia or China. Other than that, Vice President Pence has abolished Medicare, Medicaid, and abortion under any circumstances, and prohibited any gatherings of liberals, blacks, or gays of more than two people. You know, the little things.

Then the internet says, “Server cannot be found.” Then Pokémon Went goes away.

I look over the breathtaking vista.

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