Beau Elliot
Thank God (or somebody — Donald Trump?) for human beings. How else would we be blessed with conspiracy theories?
I mean, rocks are great for lots of things, but they’re just hopeless when it comes to conspiracy theories. Ditto for salamanders, geckos, dolphins, and polar bears, just to bring a few animals squirming into focus. (You haven’t lived until you’re brought a polar bear squirming into focus. But don’t try it at home.)
Polar bears, while no good at conspiracy theories, do spend a lot of time pondering where the hell the ice went. Hell would be a pretty good bet, but then you run the risk of buying into the conspiracy theory that Hell lives in a handbasket.
And geckos, while no good at conspiracy theories, have turned out to be damn slick at selling insurance.
But to get a really good conspiracy theory — you know, the full seven-course meal, with an aperitif at the front of things, followed by several French items you can practice your pronunciation on, and an amusing little cognac to round things off — to get that full-blown type of conspiracy theory, you need human beings.
Luckily, we happen to have some.
And they have stepped up to fulfill their duty — man, have they stepped up fulfill their duty — in the wake of the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. You might say they have gone beyond the call of duty. Gone beyond the call of something, anyway.
Granted, there were some curious details about the justice’s death: remote West Texas resort, judge issuing a death certificate over the phone without examining the body (or even seeing it), no autopsy, no U.S. marshal security detail, the pillow.
Ah, yes. The pillow. In the library with the candlestick and Col. Mustard.
Well, no, actually. Early reports relayed the breathless news that the pillow covered Scalia’s face. Hmm. Except, as resort owner John Poindexter told CNN, “He had a pillow over his head, not over his face as some have been saying …”
Of course. Because when assassins do their nefarious deed, they don’t leave the pillow on the face, they put it in the library, where it won’t be noticed.
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None of these seemed to deflate conservative radio guy Alex Jones, who apparently has his own private grassy knoll: “You just get used to this: ‘Scalia found, it’s natural, nothing going on here, he just died naturally,’ ” Jones said. “Then you realize, Obama is just one vote away from being able to ban guns, open the borders, and actually have the court engage in its agenda, and now Scalia dies. My gut tells me they killed him, and all the intellectual evidence lays it out.” (As reported by Mother Jones)
Why didn’t we all see this? Of course President Obama did it.
Or as conservative radio guy Andrew Wilkow put it, “Just a little too coincidental … The unwrinkled bed clothes and the pillow over the head, over the face.”
Even Donald Trump jumped in, saying, “It’s a horrible topic, but they say they found a pillow on his face, which is a pretty unusual place to find a pillow.”
There’s that pillow again. It seems to get everywhere except actually on Scalia’s face.
Other perfectly sane people point to aliens; the CIA; the giants who built the Egyptian pyramids; the people who pulled off the Sandy Hook hoax. No reports yet of vengeful polar bears.
Me, I’m sticking with the pillow, the candlestick, and Col. Mustard.
